I have been unable to blog the past few months. I feel like I am living in a nightmare and I just want to wake up. My dad passed away on Sept. 21st at age 59. He died quietly in his sleep. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure eight years ago, but he was on medication and feeling fine. He went and taught band and youth symphony that day and then slipped away in the night. It was a horrible shock. Words can't begin to describe the anguish of my heart. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and it will never be right again. I loved him so much. He was the very best dad a girl could ever have. I know I told him how much I loved him many times but I truly wish I could have said it one last time. I just didn't get to say goodbye. I have cried more tears than I knew I had. I am so very grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the knowledge that I will see him again someday, but right now that feels so far away. It breaks my heart that my children won't even remember him and what an amazing grandpa he was to them. He loved them so much. He called them his "little friends". He would do anything for them, just as he would do anything for me. Sometimes life seems so unfair. I have asked the question, "why, why, why?" over and over again, but of course part of this life is that we don't get to know all the answers right now.
This experience has taught me many things. First, the incredible power of prayer. I have poured out my heart to my Father in Heaven over and over and He has heard me and given me the strength and courage to go on and face life one day at a time. The scripture "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you" has taken on new meaning for me. I have felt other's prayers for me and they have enveloped me in peace. I am so very, very grateful for everyone who has prayed for my family and me. Thank you.
Second, I have a new understanding of the enabling power of the atonement. I know that our brother Jesus Christ suffered not only for our sins but also for our heartaches and sorrows that he might know how best to comfort us. He weeps when we weep because he understands how we feel. I have felt his empathy. He has helped me to carry this heavy burden and I know I couldn't bear it any other way.
Third, I am learning what faith really means. I am striving my best to understand that the Lord has a plan for all of us that is better than we can possibly imagine. He knows all things--sees the end from the beginning and he wants the very best for us. We just have to believe that it IS the best. Somehow this was the plan all along for my dad to leave us so young. I just didn't know it. Now that I do, I am doing my best to believe that he was called home for a specific purpose. Perhaps to prepare for the Savior's Second Coming which he loved to study and talk about. I know that his spirit is near us and that he can now help us in ways that were not possible on this earth. One of my favorite scriptures is, "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths". I am doing my best to trust Him.
Fourth, I have learned how important it is to tell those around you how much you love them--every single day. I told my dad this many times but I did not call him in the three weeks before he died. I suppose I was "busy" with the every day happenings of life. I will regret that til the day I die. He was an incredible influence in the lives of thousands of students in the 34 years he taught music and most of them didn't even realize it until after he died. So many, many students that came to the funeral told us that if it hadn't been for my dad they wouldn't have felt accepted and loved and even survived high school. Why don't we take the time to tell people how much they mean to us in life?
I loved Pres. Uchtdorf's talk in the recent General Conference. He said that we need to live our lives with no regrets--live up to our potential, spend time with the people we love more than anything else, and allow ourselves to be happy. That was exactly the way my dad lived.
My dad taught me so many things and helped me become the woman I am today. He taught me about beautiful music and instilled in my heart a great love of it. He taught me to appreciate the outdoors. He taught me about the Gospel of Jesus Christ and lived it by example every day of his life. He taught me what marriage is all about. Because of him I knew what to look for in an eternal companion. He would do anything for my mom. He taught me about love. He was an incredible husband, father, grandfather, musician and educator. I am honored to be called his daughter.
This is the last picture I have of my dad. It was taken Sept. 1st at my mom's 60th birthday party.
This was the last rafting trip we took this summer with my kids.
"And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow." (Alma 40:12)
Until we meet again, Dad, I love you
